Tobias's Story
by foreverlostinwonderland2013
Summary: I watch her. I keep my eyes her. At all times, making sure no one hurts her after we're done with training. I can't prevent her from getting hurt too much during training, that's going to happen no matter what..
1. She's Different

I watch her from a distance.

She reminds me of home, but not in the painful way. In a good way, not in the way that makes my chest tighten and my head hurt.

It's their day off, and they're wondering around the compound. It's new to them. Christina, the girl from Candor, is pulling on her arm, asking for something. Tris looks wary before giving into her friend, who drags her to the tattoo parlor. Again.

She's pretty, but not in the obvious way. In a different way, in a subtle way, in a gentle way, in a more beautiful and soft way.

I can tell she feels like she has something to prove to the other initiates, from watching her yesterday. She's the only Stiff.

But I can already tell she's more Dauntless than any of them will ever be.

If only she knew what it was really like.

But I can't protect her. Not now, not ever.

She's so fragile, so delicate. She looks as though she could break at any moment.

But I know that's not the case.

She's from Abnegation, but she sure as hell doesn't act like it. I see the pieces of it in her. She's caring, but too curious. That's frowned upon back in our old faction. It's seen as selfish. She's still wary of looking in a mirror, I can tell that much. We only get that privilege once every couple months.

My Tris, she was a fighter. Fierce, strong, beautiful. My girl.

I watch her. I keep my eyes her. At all times, making sure no one hurts her after we're done with training. I can't prevent her from getting hurt too much during training, that's going to happen no matter what.. I frown, looking at the ground.

I need to talk to her. Alone. Outside of training. Outside of this, outside of Eric..


	2. Difficult

She's too brave. Too selfless. I can't tell if she's doing this because she thinks she has something to prove or because it's still the Abnegation that's left in her or if it's both, but I can't do this.

She stands in front of the target, eyes wide and defiant, but trusting. She knows I won't hit her.

I look at Eric and see the look in his eyes. He's enjoying this. He knows what this is doing to me. He knows how I feel about her.

I can't do this to my Tris.

I take a deep breath.

"If you flinch," My voice is low. I try to keep it from shaking as I look back into her wide, trusting eyes.

I don't deserve that trust.

But I will do my best to earn it.

"Al takes your place, understand?" She nods, eyes still locked on mine.

I beg for her to flinch. I can't stand to do this to her. But I know she won't.

I throw the first knife. It hits the board six inches away from her cheek. She closes her eyes.

"About done, Stiff?" Please say yes.

"No." Of course.

"Eyes open then." I try to sound bored, but I know I'm letting on too much emotion, I can see that in her eyes.

I throw the next knife. It lands right above her head.

"Come on, Stiff." I say, almost pleadingly. She either doesn't notice how much I want her to move or doesn't care. "Let someone else stand there and take it."

"Shut up, Four!" She yells. She has something to prove. That's why she's doing this. Well then. If that's the way she wants it. I throw my last knife. It hits her left ear. Not much, just a little, barely causing any blood.

I see the disbelief and shock in her eyes.

Her jaw drops. I feel horrible, but she asked for it. I look right back at her, telling her this, but not speaking, and mentally apologizing, but she can't read my mind. I do this more for myself. She just stands there and looks at me with her wide eyes.

"I would love to stay here and see if the rest of you are as daring as she is, but I think that's enough for today." as Eric walks past Tris, he whispers something in her ear and she tenses up, ready for battle. My blood freezes and my skin crawls. Stay away from my Tris.

I walk towards her, worried. "Is your-"

"You did that on purpose!" She yells. I deserve this. I hate myself. I sigh.

"Yes, I did." My voice stays quiet, but I'm fighting to keep it so. "And you should thank me."

Her soft eyes harden and she grits her teeth. "Thank you? You almost stabbed my ear, and you spent the entire time taunting me. Why should I thank you?" She's angry. And she should be. But her anger fuels mine.

"You know, I'm getting a little tired of waiting for you to catch on!" My voice is quiet, moreso than usual, and she stops. I glare at her.

"Catch on? Catch on to what? That you wanted to prove to Eric how tough you are? That you're sadistic, just like he is?"

I'm not going to lie, that hurt. That hurt a lot. I am nothing like Eric. Nothing. And if she's going to see me like him, I'm going to have to change something.. I fight to stay calm, I don't want to hurt her anymore than I already have. I get closer to her.

"I am not sadistic. If I wanted to hurt you, don't you think I would have already?" Her eyes widen and I push myself away from her before I do something I'll regret.

I stab a knife into a table. The blade wobbles a little and before I slam to door, I hear her protest weakly, "I-I.." But I'm already gone.

And I hate myself.


	3. Fighting Day

Fighting day. Interesting. Tris is going to take on Molly today. A girl twice her size. I know she can take it. But she glares at me before going into the ring. Molly teases and taunts her before Tris throws the first punch. Just like I told her, right after Peter tore her to pieces.

That's my girl.

It keeps going and going until Molly's on the ground, that's when Tris starts kicking. She's going for revenge. I can tell that much, but I don't know what for. I push myself off the wall and pull her away.

"You won. Stop." She stares at me and I see a monster in her eyes I've never seen before. It scares me. "I think you should leave. Take a walk."

"I'm fine. I'm fine now." I watch her leave before standing up.

"Someone help me get her to the hospital." I say, sounding bored. I look at her, filling with pride for my Tris.

Such a little girl, did this much damage. Who knew?


	4. Divergent

Oh god. Oh god, no. No, please, no. It can't be true. Please, god, please, no.  
She's Divergent. She's like me. This.. It can't be true. Please, no.

She can fight the simulations. I suspected it the first time I did it, but it tried to believe it was just luck. No, not this time. It can't be luck. She can manipulate them. She broke the glass. No one but a Divergent could manipulate the simulation like that.

This is bad. They'll kill her if they find out. This.. It can't be true. Please. No.

I can't live without her. I just.. I know I can't. No. Not my Tris. Please. Not her. She can't be Divergent. She can't be like me.

But she's acting like it more and more every day..


	5. First

Tris was ranked first.

Any other time, this would be great. Wonderful. But not with someone like Peter in your initiate group.

Edward was ranked first last time. He got his eye stabbed.

Peter already hates Tris, who knows what he could do to her?

Looks like I won't be getting any sleep tonight..


	6. Flight

"You belong here, you know that?" I tell her as we're standing alone. "It'll be over soon, so just hang on, okay?" She stares at me, and I rub the back of my neck, embarrassed.

She takes my hand. And laces her fingers through mine. And my heart is beating as fast as hummingbird's wings.

I can't breathe.

We stand like that for a while, not talking, just staring at each other. And I want to kiss her. I need to kiss her. But I hold back.

Finally, she lets go, and runs after everyone.

I could fly.


	7. Damage

I knew something would happen. I knew it would. I just.. I didn't know it would be this bad.

And I sure as hell didn't think Al would be involved.

Peter, Drew, and Al dragged her out to the Chasm. Oh god. They're hoisting her over the railing.

Tris is screaming. That's what kills me. Nothing, after everything I've been through, not even finding out my mother was actually alive and chose to leave me with my abusive father, has broken my heart and chilled me to the bone as much as her screams did. I ran.

"Stop that!" Al yells. I can't figure out why he's there. He's always been more of a big teddy bear. And I thought he even had a thing for Tris...

"Put her down!" I scream. They drop her hard on the ground and they start to run.

No. Not this time. They don't get to get away with hurting my Tris. No. I grab the first one I see by the neck.

Drew. Damn, I was hoping it'd be Peter.

I throw him onto the pit floor. He screams and and I realize he's smaller and weaker than me, but in that moment, I don't care. He was about to murder my Tris.

All because she ranked higher than her.

I beat him to a pulp.

I look over to Tris, she's holding on to the railing, barely awake.

"Four.." She whispers. I run to her and pick her up in my arms and go to my room.

I kick in the door, and lay her carefully on the bed, and cringe as she winces as she touches it.

She's not bleeding.

I let her sleep it off in my bed. She looks so little, so fragile, so helpless, and for the first time, I see her for what she is.

A little girl.

I wait by her side until she wakes up. Her eyes slowly open hours later. She looks at me.

"Your hands." Her voice cracks. I soften.

"My hands are none of your concern." I put an ice pack on her face. She's focused on what's hurt on me not what's hurt of her.

"Tris, I'm all right." I say softly. She drops her hand and looks at me.

"Why were you there?" She asks. She's in pain. I can tell. She's in a lot of pain, but she's hiding it well.

"I was coming back from the control room and I heard a scream." I lied smoothly. I avoided her eyes.

"What did you do to them?"

"I deposited Drew at the infirmary a half hour ago." I sit on the edge of the bed and look at her. "Peter and Al ran. Drew claimed they were just trying to scare you, at least that's what I think they were trying to say.."

Tris frowns. "He's in bad shape?"

"He'll live. In what condition, I can't say."

"Good." She smiles. And she starts crying.

I move closer to her and show no sympathy for her. She would hate me for it. "I could report this."

"No." She says in her stubborn voice. "I won't want them to think I'm scared." I rub her tears away and rub my thumb across her cheekbone.

"I figured you'd say that."

We're quiet for a couple minutes.

"You think it would be a bad idea if I sat up?"

"I'll help you." I grab her shoulder and help her sit up, trying my best not to hurt her. I hand her the icepack.

"You can let yourself be in pain." I tell her softly. "It's just me here."

She cries a little.

"I suggest you rely on your transfer friends to protect you from now on." I say, a little harder than I mean to.

"I thought I was." She mutters. "But Al.." I didn't suspect either.

"He wanted you to be the small, quiet girl from Abnegation," I say softly. She looks at me with wide eyes. "He hurt you because your strength made him feel weak. No other reason." She looks at her hands. "The others won't be jealous if you show some vulnerability." I say. I know she's going to hate me for it, but it's true.

"You think I have to pretend to be vulnerable?" She raises her eyebrow in disbelief.

"Yes. I do." I mutter. We're so close. I want to kiss her so much right now. But now is not the right time.

"You're going to want to march into breakfast tomorrow and show your attackers they have no affect on you, but you should let that bruise on your cheek show, and keep your head down."

She looks sick at the thought. "I don't think I can do that."

"You have to."

"I don't think you get it." She blushes, this is rare for her. I dread what's coming next.

"They touched me."

I feel sick. Fire replaces the blood in my viens, and I want to murder them. Rip them apart, limb from limb. I force myself to stay sitting next to her, to listen to her, to be here for her.

"Touched you." I growl.

"Not..." Her breath catches in her throat. "In the way you're thinking." She can see the anger in my eyes, how hard I'm clenching my fists, so that my knuckles are white. I look away, trying to calm down a little. "But.. almost." She doesn't continue, and we sit in silence. I still want to see them dead.

"What is it?" She asks carefully.

"I don't want to say this.." I say slowly. "But I feel like I have to." Because I know she'll hate me when I do. "It is more important for you to be safe right now for the time being. Understand?"

I love you.

"But please," I tilt her chin, and look in her eyes pleadingly, "when you see an opportunity.." I smile. "Ruin them."

Do it for me. Do it for you.

"You're a little scary, Four." She says, looking deep into my eyes, and I wonder if she can see how I feel there. If she can, she doesn't say anything.

But I don't like her calling me that. I hate hearing that name coming off her lips. And if I miss Tobias, I'd like to hear her say it, not anyone else.

"Do me a favor." I say carefully. "Don't call me that."

She looks at me curiously. "What should I call you then?"

"Nothing." I say. I'm not quite ready to tell her. "Yet."

But I do know one thing; I'm in love with this girl, and there's no going back.


	8. Thoughts

I find an empty place in the pit to think about Tris. About my Tris. She was beautiful. Lovely. Strong. And for the first time, she listened to me. She came out of my room, looking vulnerable and weak. I didn't like the look that Peter gave her.

I want him dead.

For what he did to her. He touched her. He hurt her. He hurt my Tris, and that was completely unforgivable.

Drew.. He's paid his dues. And I really couldn't care less if he ended up dying or not. He'd deserve it for what he did.

Al, I don't know what to do about him. I know he'll punish himself more than anyone else ever could. Because that's how he is.

I just hope we don't wake up tomorrow to find him dead at the bottom of the Chasm..

Tris's face floats before my eyes. I don't know what to do about her.

I'm so helplessly in love with her, and I can't read her feelings. She cares. I can tell that much. She does. She's curious about me, I know, but she's cautious.

I wish she was less cautious.

I can't get her away from the rest of the initiates. I can't.

I worry about her. I really do. I worry about the boys. I know Will protects her. He's a good friend. He won't do anything, either, I can see his eyes focused on Christina. She'll also protect my Tris.

I can't stand to think about what could happen if Peter and Drew got his hands on her again.

She could die; I know they're capable of murder. They proved that last night. But if they killed her, they would ensure their death soon after.

"You okay?"

I look up and Tori's standing above me with a can of Coke and a plate of chocolate cake. She's smiling, but her eyes are clouded with worry.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I say. She knows me too well for that and sits down next to me and gives me the plate of cake.

"It's that pretty little girl, isn't it? Tris?" She asks. "She's a fighter."

"How'd you know?"

"I've been watching her."

"No, not that. Everyone knows that. That's why she was attacked last night." I growl the last part and clench my fists. "How'd you know it was Tris?"

"I know you." She says simply, opening the can. "And I see the way you look at her." Tori smiles and elbows me. "What is it about her?"

"She's different." I smile.

"Oh, I haven't seen that smile in a while." She grins. "How is she different?" Tori prompts.

"She's just.. I don't know how to explain it." I lower my voice. "Tori, I'm in love with her."

"Yeah, I know."

"What?"

"I see the way you look at her, Four." Tori smiles. "I heard the panic in your voice last night before I came out. I hear how your voice softens when you talk to her."

"Oh."

"You wanna know something else, Toby?" Tori smiles. She's the only one I would ever allow to call me that. Maybe Tris, too, but I can't picture her calling me that.

"What's that?"

"I think she loves you, too." Tori grins.

"Really?" I smile. "What makes you think that?"

"I'm very perceptive." She taps the side of her head. "You know that, Toby."

"Yeah.. What makes you think she loves me, too?" I push for the information. Tori smiles and shakes her head. She kisses my cheek and stands up.

"Gotta get back to work." She sticks her tongue out at me. "See you around, Tobs."

"Hey! What'd I tell you about that?"

"When do I listen?"


	9. Funeral

I was right.

But this is one time I really wish I wasn't.

I saw Christina dragging Tris out of the room where all the transfers sleep. They were both looking sad, upset, stressed.

They stand there, staring. I can tell Tris blames herself.

It's not her fault. I know what she's thinking. If only I forgave him.

After a couple minutes of staring, she leaves. Runs away. I follow her silently.

She runs to the tattoo parlor, where Tori sits in the back room. She smiles when she sees her.

Not her usual bubbly smile, but a sad understanding smile.

She makes her a cup of tea. "Here you go." She says softly, setting down the mug in front of Tris. She wraps her hands around the mug, but doesn't drink from it. "Drink it. It will make you feel better, I promise."

I know what Tris is thinking. She's comparing this to home. Funerals aren't like this at home. People aren't walking around drunk. People don't drink there.

"I don't think tea is the solution." She says, but drinks anyway. I see her pale cheeks flush with color and I can tell it makes her feel better.

"'Better' is not the word I used. Not 'good.'" She smiles at Tris and looks up at me. I shake my head and she nods hers very slightly, but I see that knowing look that lights them up. I walk away, trying to gather my thoughts.

I love Tris.

I love her too much. She can't know how much I do. My hands start shaking at the thought of losing her, and I can't handle that. No one has ever made me feel that way before. I take a bottle from a table and down it in one gulp.

She can't know what danger she's in.

I know Eric's watching her. I know he suspects something. After her simulations, how can he not? She can manipulate them. No one but a Divergent can do that. I'm just good at hiding it.

She can't. And that's what worries me.

She worries me.

I love her too much.

I hear Eric start the funeral. I walk faster away. I see Tris walking away, too.

What is she doing? I thought.. Oh.

"Tris." I like saying her name.

She jumps.

"What are you doing here?" Her eyes are wide, like they always are when she looks at me. I still can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. "Shouldn't you be paying your respects?"

I can't listen to Eric talk bullshit about someone he knew nothing about, someone he only bullied.

"Shouldn't you?" I retort, stepping towards her. Her eyes catch mine and they widen even more.

"Can't pay respect when you don't have any." I see the regret spreading in her eyes as soon as the words come out. "I didn't mean that..." Her voice is quiet.

"Ah." I don't believe her. I do, but I don't. He tried to kill her. But not for the reason that Peter and Drew did, and she understands that. She can't forgive herself right now, and that's what she's having trouble with.

"This is ridiculous." She says, her cheeks turning red. She's getting fired up and I get ready for her to start yelling. Her eyes get bright. "He throws himself off a ledge and Eric's calling it brave?" I see why she's angry there. Back home, that would be considered the most selfish act anyone could ever commit. Suicide. The easy way out. "Eric, who tried to throw knives at Al's head?" And you saved him, because you know he would've flinched, and it would've ended horribly. Because you're too selfless. She looks like she's about to be sick, so she stop for a minute. "He wasn't brave! He was depressed and a coward and he almost killed me!" There we go. "Is that the kind of thing we respect here?" No. It's not. But times have changed.

"What do you want them to do?" I try not to yell, but my voice is a little louder than usual. "Condemn him? Al's already dead. He can't hear it and it's too late." Her eyes harden and she hates that my words are true.

"It's not about Al!" She finally snaps. "It's about everyone watching! Everyone who now sees hurling themselves into the chasm as a viable option. I mean, why not do it if everyone calls you a hero afterward? Why not do it if everyone will remember your name? It's...I can't..." Her anger is rendering her speechless and I know what's coming next.

"This never would have happened in Abnegation!" She finally shouts. "None of it! Never! This place warped him and ruined him and I don't care if saying that makes me a Stiff, I don't care, I don't care!" I knew that was coming. But I don't look at her anymore.

"Careful, Tris." I say quietly.

"Is that all you can say?" I can tell it's bothering her that I'm not looking at her. "That I should be careful? That's it?" She was hoping I'd have a better reaction, something more to say. And I wish I could say everything I want to say. But I can't. Because she can't know yet.

"You're as bad as the Candor, you know that?" I grab her arm and drag her to a corner where we won't be heard. I lean in so close to her that I can count the colors in her eyes and I can see the fear in them.

"I'm not going to say this again, so listen carefully." I put my hands on her shoulders. Small. Delicate. Like her. "They are watching you." Eric. "You in particular." It scares me to say that, but it's true.

"Let go of me." She whispers. I do, but I don't move back.

"Are they watching you, too?" No. Because I can hide it.

I don't answer her question. "I keep trying to help you." I do everything I can, everything, because I need her to stay alive. "But you refuse to be helped." Because you're too stubborn.

"Oh, right." She flares up again, except this time, her tone is sarcastic. Nothing else. "Your help. Stabbing my ear with a knife and taunting me and yelling at me more than you yell anyone else, it sure is helpful." She's still upset about the knives? She did it to herself.

"Taunting you? You mean when I threw the knives? I wasn't taunting you." I snap, my voice rising. Her anger is fueling mine. She tends to do that. "I was reminding you that if you failed, someone else would have to take your place." And I really do wish someone would've, but I know if someone did, Eric would've been the one to throw the knives. Not me.

She looks a little flustered now, a little embarrassed. Her cheeks turn red and she rubs the back of her neck, avoiding my eyes. "Why?"

"Because you're from Abnegation." Like me. I know how you work. "And it's when you're acting selflessly that you are at your bravest." It's true, and she knows it. I can see it dawning in her eyes.

"If I were you," I say before she starts yelling again, "I would do a better job of pretending that selfless impulse is going away." She gives me a blank stare. "Because if the wrong people discover it... well, it won't be good for you."

And I'm right. They'll kill her. Like they killed Tori's brother. I can't let that happen to her.

"Why? Why do they care about my intentions?" I stalled her. She's curious now.

"Intentions are the only thing they care about They try to make you think they care about what you do, but they don't." The system is fucked that way. It didn't used to be like that, though. "They don't want you to act a certain way." They don't want her to act the way she's acting. She's different. Not in a good way, not to them. "They want you to think a certain way." Good luck trying to tell Tris how to think. She's a storm all her own. "So you're easy to understand." Easy to control. "So you're not a threat to them." But she is. She really is.

And that scares me.

I lean in closer to her, using the wall for support. Her eyes trace my muscles before landing on my face again. She looks worried, upset. But in a different way.

"I don't understand." She's a little breathless now. Am I making her nervous? "Why do they care what I think, as long as I'm acting how they want me to?"

Because you can't be different. That's why. Because they're fucked up and they hate people like us.

"You're acting how they want you to now," I say quietly. "But what happens when your Abnegation-wired brain," my Abnegation-wired brain- "Tells you to so something else, something they don't want?"

She doesn't speak for a long time, but she looks thoughtful.

"I might not need you to help me." Of course. So stubborn. "Ever think about that?" I know you don't need me to help you. But I will. Because I love you. And you can't make it through this on your own. "I'm not weak, you know." Oh, trust me, Tris, I know. I can do this on my own." No you can't. No one can.

I shake my head. "You think my first instinct is to protect you." It is. "Because you're small, or a girl, or a Stiff." Because I love you. "But you're wrong."

She stares at me and I lean in closer to her again, wrapping my fingers around her chin. Her skin is warm, and her lips part. Her eyes widen and I see many new emotions swirling around in them; longing is one of them.

"My first instinct is to push you until you break, just to see how hard I have to press." I say quietly. She tenses and stops breathing. I search her face before reaching her eyes again. "But I resist it."

"Why..." She struggles for breath. "Why is that your first instinct?"

"Fear doesn't shut you down; it wakes you up. I've seen it. It's fascinating." It's beautiful. I drop my hand, but I don't pull away. Tris stares at me with wide, wide eyes. She's barely breathing. My hand grazes her jaw, her neck. She's warm, hot.

Am I really making her this nervous?

"Sometimes I just... want to see it again. Want to see you awake." It's a beautiful sight. I wonder if I could ever make her feel that way.

Then she does something unexpected. She puts her hands on my waist and pulls herself closer to me. I can feel her heart racing as she wraps her arms around me. I smile, the first real smile in a very long time. I wrap my arms around her and touch my hand very gently to the small of her back and pull her closer to me.

"Should I be crying?" I whispers. Her voice is slightly muffled, but I can hear the worry in her voice. "Is there something wrong with me?"

Nothing is wrong with you, Tris. Nothing could ever be wrong with my Tris.

"You think I know anything about tears?" I whisper into her hair. I haven't cried in years. And truth be told, I think the only thing that could make me cry is wrapped in my arms right now.

"If I had forgiven him," She says quietly, her forehead against my shoulder. She's warm. "Do you think he'd be alive now?"

Maybe. But it can't all be based on her. Al was falling behind in training.

"I don't know." I put my hand on her cheek and look at her, but she keeps her eyes shut, but leans into my hand.

"I feel like it's my fault." Her words are heavy.

"It isn't your fault." I lean my forehead against hers and she finally opens her eyes.

"But I should have." I see the regret. "I should have forgiven him." I know why she didn't, or why she would have trouble doing so.

"Maybe." I whisper. "Maybe there's more we all could have done. But we just have to let the guild remind us to do better next time."

She pulls back, frowning. What'd I do?

"What faction did you come from, Four?"

Oh. Guilt.

She knows.

"It doesn't matter." I don't look at her. "This is where I am now. Something hou would do well to remember for yourself." I sound harsher than I mean to when I speak, but I'm not ready for her to know. I look at her and hesitate before I act.

I pull her back to me and plant my lips on her forehead. I close my eyes, and she stays still, but I can feel her heart racing.


	10. Landscape

I pace back and forth, trying to decide if this is a good idea or not. Tris has conflicting reactions. It's hard to tell how she feels. After what happened earlier, I think I'm ready for her to know.

That was the closest I've been to someone for a very long time.

I walk around, looking for her. For my Tris. She's standing with Will and Christina. By the looks of it, they were about to go to bed.

I know Tris. She'd rather come with me to do this than go to bed.

As soon as she sees me, she makes an excuse, and runs to me. I don't look at her, but I hear she's out of breath.

She should work on that.

"Since you're here," I say carefully. "you might as well go with me." Her breath catches.

"Into your fear landscape."

"Yes."

She walks toward me, nervous. "I can do that?"

"The serum connects you to the program, but the program determines whose landscape you go through. And right now, it's set to put us through mine." I say carefully.

"And you would let me do that?" She asks in amazement. I understand her feeling, but I don't look at her.

"Why else do you think I'm going in?" I ask quietly. I still don't look at her. "There are some things I want to show you." I'm scared to show her. But she needs to know.

I feel like she won't leave me if I tell her. I feel like she'll stay, like she'll help me get through it.

She'll help me face Marcus.

I inject her with the serum and hand her a needle for me.

"I've never done this before," She sounds wary. She doesn't want to hurt me, or mess it up. She's scared.

"Right here." I touch the spot where she needs to inject me. Her hand is shaking. I feel the pinch and hear her exhale; she was holding her breath the whole time.

I offer her my hand and she laces her fingers through mine. This fills me with warmth and I smile slightly before leading her through the dark.

"See if you can figure out why they call me Four."

I only have four fears. But they're logical. Terrifying.

The door closes. The light's gone. It's cold. Tris moves closer to me.

"What's your real name?"

"See if you can figure that out too."

And it begins.

We're on a building. High up. Very high up. All the air in my lungs disappear and my heart stops beating before picking up at a million times faster than it was before. I cling to Tris. She's the only thing that can keep me stable as the wind blows around us.

For the first time, I count on her to protect me.

And she does.

"We have to jump off, right?" Her voice is steady, brave, calming. I nod. "On three, okay?" I nod, my heart rate picking up.

"One...two...three!" She drags me with her as she runs. We run off the building. It wasn't so hard with Tris there to help me.

Can she help me with my next one?

I feel the walls closing in around me already. It's even tighter now that she's here. I clasp my hand to my chest. This is horrible. I can't hear her talking.

"It's-" I try to speak before she slams into me. I stop breathing. The memories threaten to break through my barriers. I stare at Tris.

"Confinement." She says. I don't say anything. I'm in pain. She looks at me, trying to calm me.

"Hey," She says calmly. "It's okay. Here-"

She puts my arms around her so there's more space. But not just for that. She knows it'll comfort me more. I hold her as close as possible and for the first time, I feel how small she is. It's comforting.

"This is the first time I'm happy I'm so small." She's trying to make me feel better, to calm down. It doesn't work.

"Mmhmm," Is all I can manage. I pull her closer.

"If we can break out of here," She says, "It's easier to face the fear head on, right?" So what you need to do is make the space smaller. Make it worse so it gets better."

No. No. No. No. No. Not smaller. Bigger.

"Yes." I say tightly.

"Okay," Tris says logically, calmly. We'll have to crouch, then. Ready?" She pulls me down. It's smaller, and smaller, until she curls into a ball on my lap.

Nononononononononononononono nono. This was a horrible idea. Why? No. No. NO. NO. NO.

"Ah," I can barely talk. "This is worse. This is definitely..." I can't talk. This fear is crippling. Tris isn't even calming me this time.

"Shh," She says. "Arms around me." That helps a little, but not much. "The simulation measures your fear response." Her voice is soft and gentle. She knows how hard this is for me and is trying to help the best she can.

I love her for this.

"So if you can calm your heartbeat down, it will move on to the next one. Remember? So try to forget we're here."

Not so easy, Tris.

"Yeah?" I can't focus. "That easy, huh?" I can feel the reactions I'm getting out of her, though, and that helps.

Only a little.

"You know, most boys would enjoy being trapped in close quarters with a girl." She jokes. I appreciate her trying, but this one doesn't work. I do like feeling her close to me like this, just not in this situation.

"Not claustrophobic people, Tris!" My voice is hysterical now. She takes my hand and puts it over her heart.

"Feel my heartbeat." She says slowly. "Can you feel it?"

It's the most wonderful thing in the world.

"Yes."

"How steady it is?"

"It's fast."

She's not scared of this. Is it me?

"Yes, well, that has nothing to do with the box." She blushes, I feel the heat.

She does care. She does feel something.

This helps.

"Every time you feel me breathe, you breathe. Focus on that."

"Okay." I feel calmer now. She breathes carefully, for me.

"Why don't you tell me where this fear comes from." Oh no, Tris. Please no. "Maybe talking about it will help us.. somehow."

"Um...okay." I don't like this idea at all. No. Please. No. "This one is from my fantastic childhood. Childhood punishments. The tiny closet upstairs."

The memories are pushing hard against my brick walls. I look at Tris and they subside.

"My mother kept our winter coats in our closet." She says softly. The memories push again. No. No. No. Go away.

"I don't..." I gasp for air, I can't breathe again. "I don't really want to talk about it anymore."

"Okay." She doesn't push it. "Then... I can talk. Ask me something." I have the perfect question. I just don't know if she'll answer truthfully.

"Okay," I laugh shakily. "Why is your heart racing, Tris?"

She cringes. Just the question she didn't want me to ask. I tighten my arms around her and I can feel her heartbeat pick up more.

Yup, it's definitely me.

"Well, I..." She stumbles for a lie, she's not ready for me to know yet. "I barely know you."

That's not true.

"And I'm crammed up against you in a box, Four, what you you think?"

That's not the reason and we both know it.

"If we were in your fear landscape, would I be in it?" I'm truly curious.

"I'm not afraid of you." She said stubbornly.

"Of course you're not." I know she's not. She's afraid of what she's feeling. I can see it in her eyes. "But that's not what I meant." I laugh and the walls break apart.

I let go of her and stand up. She looks a little disappointed that we're no longer so close, and to tell the truth, so am I.

I stand in front of her and smile. "Maybe you were cut out for Candor." I tease. "Because you're a terrible liar."

And it's true, but she's not smiling at me. She's looking at me with those wide eyes, but this time, I can't read them.

"I think my aptitude test ruled that one out pretty well." She says. Not the damn tests.

I shake my head. "The aptitude test tells you nothing."

She glares at me, a look I'm familiar with. "What are you trying to tell me? Your test isn't the reason you ended up in Dauntless?" Her eyes light up with some excitement. Why, I don't know.

No. My test is not why I ended up in Dauntless. But she's about to find out why I did. I'll never tell her though.

"Not exactly, no.." I stumble on my words. "I..."

The gun on the table. The woman I must shoot. I've done it too many times. She's staring at the gun on the table.

"You have to kill her."

"Every single time." I hate it.

"She isn't real." I hate killing.

"She looks real." I hate guns. I hate killing. I hate it. "It feels real."

"If she was real, she would have killed you already." Tris points out.

"It's okay." It doesn't matter. "I'll just.. do it. This one's not... not so ba. Not as much panic involved." Just one shot. That it. It's the regret. The dread that fills me when I do it.

I hate killing.

I drop the gun and Tris grabs my arm.

"C'mon. Let's go. Keep moving."

But I don't want to do this last one. It's the worst. I don't want to. I can't.

"Here we go.."

I hate this one. I hate it. I hate it. I don't want Tris to know this part of me.

"Marcus." I hear her whisper.

"Here's the part," My voice is shaking, and I hate it. "Where you figure out my name."

"Is he..." She watches, but I can't focus on her for once. All I see is my dad. Marcus. The man who beat me senseless for years, who hated me, who made me who I am today, the man who drove my mother away. "...Tobias."

It feels nice to hear her say my name.

But I don't get that feeling for very long before it starts.

"This is for your own good."

Famous last words.

A dozen of him appear around me, blocking Tris from my view. Their eyes turn into black pits. And that's when it starts. I curl into a ball. The memories come pushing back, bricks are falling down. I see black and white images before my eyes. But I never feel the belt hit me. I open my eyes to see Tris standing in front of me, the belt wrapped around her tiny wrist. It hurt her, but she's not showing it. She pulls as hard as she can, which is, for her small frame, pretty damn hard, and Marcus loses his grip. She unwraps the belt from her wrist. It's bright red, swollen. It looks horrible. She grabs the belt by the buckle and as hard as she can, she hits him. Marcus yells and lunges at her, my dragon slayer, with outstretched hands, ready to strangle her. I stand up and push her behind me. I'm not scared anymore.

He hurt my Tris.

I'm beyond angry. And he vanishes.

It's all over.

"That's it?" Tris says. "Those were your worst fears? Why do you only have four...?" She looks at me. "Oh. That's why they call you-"

But she stops once she looks into my eyes. I don't know what stops her, but all I know is she saved me. She was my dragon slayer back there. And her face freezes.

I need her close to me. I pull her close and kiss her cheek quickly, softly. I breathe her in, burying my face in her neck. Only she could've gotten me through that.

I love her so much.

I'm in too deep.

It doesn't matter.

She's mine, I know she is.

"Hey, we got through it." She says gently. I smile and run my hands through her hair.

"You got me through it."

She did. I've never run off the building before. Just blindly jumped, screaming the whole way down. She got me through the box. It was a horrible idea to make it smaller, I will admit, but she was helping me. And it felt amazing to have her so close to me. I just wish it was under different circumstances. She helped me believe the woman wasn't real. Because she isn't. She's a fear. The gun is a fear. I hate them both. The idea of death is what scares me. The idea of killing someone is what scares me. And she got me through that. But I do know one thing: I will die for her. If it was ever needed, if we were in that situation, I would die for her. Best of all, she got me through Marcus. She was my dragon slayer, the bravest person I've ever known. She got me through this. She got me through my fears. But now I know I'll have five. She'll be one of them. Losing her. That will be my greatest fear. Even the thought of it makes my heart sink.

"Well. It's easy to be brave when they're not my fears." She says. I know what she means. If I went with her through her fear landscape, I wouldn't be scared. I would help her as she helped me.

I wonder if I really am apart of her landscape..

I lace my fingers with hers.

"Come on, I have something to show you."

Something that will be amazing. Something she'll love. Because she deserves it after what she just did.


	11. Kiss

I kissed her.

I kissed her, and it was as if all the bad things in the world went away. Because she kissed right back.

She has soft lips, careful lips, tender lips. She didn't know how to react, what to do or say. Even I was hesitant at first, just a small kiss, just a quick kiss, shy and wary. Her eyes were wide with worry; did she mess up, did she do something wrong? But it was perfect. I needed more of her, I feel like that'll never change.

I grabbed her face in my hands, I wasn't so shy this time; and I kissed her.

It was wonderful, her fingers tangled in my hair, how her lips moved with mine. It was a perfect moment, a stolen moment.

A perfect stolen moment. Those are the best. It was unexpected, it was needed. I needed it more than she did, but I could tell by the hungry way she was kissing back, she was craving it.

I was the reason her heart was racing so fast, not because she was scared. Because Tris doesn't simply get scared that easily. It was me all along.

And that makes me smile.

I can't sleep.

It's so nice to hear my name again. Especially coming off her lips. It's a beautiful sound. I don't like Four, I really don't. It's a constant reminder of what I'm scared of most. I don't like it.

Tobias, it sounds nice. When she says it. I like it. But it's only for her, and she knows that. Just another secret between us. In front of everyone else, I am Four. Just as I always have been. To her, only her, I am Tobias.

I jump around the pit, looking for something to keep me occupied. I wish she was still with me.

Tori jumps down in front of me.

"So, how was the first kiss?" She smirks. I glare at her, but a smile spreads across my face. I can't help it.

"I didn't kiss her." I lie feebly.

"Toby, you know you can't lie to me." She laughs. "How'd it go?"

"She's perfect, Tori."

"I know."

"No, you don't." I say, leaning against a wall and running my hand through my hair.

"Tell me then."

"She went through my fear landscape with me."

"You've never let anyone do that." She smiles. "How did that go?"

"Amazing..."

"You're in deep." Tori laughs. "You're in really deep."


	12. Runnaway

It's my fault that she's gone.

I shouldn't have done that, said that to her. But I saw what was happening.

She turned Lauren's fear into one of hers. I could tell by the look of terror, absolute terror and fear etched on her face as she sank to the ground before I stopped it and ran in.

It doesn't excuse my behavior, how I treated her when she was so vulnerable. I deserved what I got.

I can still see the look on her face. Pale, blotchy, her eyes wild and paniced, still terrified.

I've never seen my Tris act this way before. She's angry, yes. Defiant, yes. Strong, yes. Smart, yes. Stubborn, yes. But what happened.. I've never seen her like this before.

"Get yourself together! This is pathetic."

Her eyes hardened, but not in the way that they usually do when she's angry. This was worse. I was hurting her, this was low.

That was when she hit me and walked out of the room.

I deserved it, I know. I messed it up. After everything that happened last night, I messed it up.

I just stood there, I should've chased after her.

But now she's gone.

So I'm left here to worry. I have no idea where she is, I don't know what she's doing. She's.. gone.

She could be hurt.

I run my hands through my hair, trying not to pull it out and resist the urge to scream.

I still feel her lips on mine. But more importantly, I feel her fist against my cheek.

Such a little girl can pack such a powerful punch.

She's not a little girl, though. I need to stop thinking of her like that. Tris is not a little girl.

I can't deal with this anymore, she's... she could be anywhere, it's been hours.

I finally leave my room and walk around, trying to clear my head, trying to calm down.

She can take care of herself. She's strong. She's smart. Right?

That's when I hear Eric yelling.

"... Perhaps the little Abnegation girl inside of you would take that more seriously."

I run towards his voice. He has my Tris. What has he been doing to her?

"I..." I hear her protest. She's trying to lie, but she can't think of one quick enough. I throw open the door.

"What are you doing?" I try to keep my voice steady. Tris doesn't look at me.

"Leave the room." Eric yells at me.

"No," I say, and I know Tris is going to hate me even more for what I'm about to say next. She has to know it's for own protection.. "She's just a foolish girl." Cue the horrible look of betrayal. "There's not need to frag her here and interrogate her."

"Just a foolish girl." I want to strangle Eric. "If she was just a foolish girl, she wouldn't be ranked first, now would she?"

I'm sorry, Tris. I pinch the bridge of nose and look at her. She looks back, still mad, but I can tell she's trying to read my expression.

Pretend you're vulnerable. You're good at it. Come on. I know you can do this. Come on, love..

"I...I was embarrassed and didn't know what to do." She stammers, looking at the ground. She even musters up some fake tears. I know where she's going with this. She's putting on a very good act. That's my girl. "I tried to... and..." She pretends to be too embarrassed to continue.

"Kiss me." I repress my smile. "And I rejected her, and she went running off like a five-year-old." I hate myself for saying that. Eric buys it. "There's really nothing to blame her for but stupidity." She hates me for it, too. I know it. I can feel it.

I'm sorry, Tris.

Eric laughs. It's mean and cruel and I see the hurt in Tris's eyes. "Isn't he a little too old for you, Tris?"

Two years isn't 'too old'.

"Can I go now?" She wipes a tear.

"Fine." Eric's voice is mean, unforgiving. "But you are not allowed to leave the compound again without supervision again, you hear me?" Tris looks little as she stares at him before he turns on me. Asshole. For making her feel this way.

I will get back at you, Eric. I will.

"And you... had better make sure none of the transfers leave this compound again. And that none of the others kiss you."

Tris will be the only one that I kiss. And I was the one that kissed her in the first place.

I roll my eyes. "Fine."

I watch her leave before Eric turns on me again.

"I know you were covering for her." His voice is low and deadly. "I don't know what she was doing, but I know how you feel about her." He smirks. "She can't hide forever."

His words chill me to the bone.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I spit back. "I feel nothing for her, other than the fact that she's a transfer and I should be training her." I glare at him. "She's a silly girl, what happened last night will never happen again, because I will make sure we are never alone together again." Lying has gotten far too easy for me.

"If she's so silly, how'd she get ranked first?"

"You've seen her fight, you asshole." I snap. "She's stronger than the others, smarter than them. She just wanted attention. That's all."

"Bullshit. I know how you feel about her, Four." Eric says, his voice still deadly. "Tell your little girlfriend to keep her head down so she doesn't get hurt again."

I turn on my heel and slam the door. Tris is sitting with her head between her knees and her eyes closed. My anger disappears and I feel horrible for everything that's happened in the last twelve hours. She senses my presence and stands up. By the look on her face, she feels like she's in trouble with me, too.

"What?"

I touch her cheek and her eyes soften, but she's still guarded. "Are you all right?" She bats my hand away. I don't blame her for being mad at me.

"Well. First I got reamed out in front of everyone, and then I haf to chat with the woman who's trying to destroy my old faction, ad then Eric almost tossed my friends out of Dauntless, so yeah it's shaping up to be a pretty great day, Four."

Tris can use my name as a weapon against me. I sigh. I shouldn't've treated her that way this morning. I don't look at her. This is all my fault.

"Why do you care, anyway?" She continues. "You can either be cruel instructor or concerned boyfriend."

Did she just call me her boyfriend?

Maybe she's not so mad at me after all..

"You can't play both parts at the same time." No, but there can't be a medium, either. As much as I'd like to, I can't be the concerned boyfriend when you're a transfer. I can't be. I can only be the cruel instructor. But I'm not cruel. I'm protecting you.

"I'm not cruel. I was protecting you this morning." Your Divergent was showing. "How do you think Peter and his idiot friends would have reacted if the discovered that you and I were..." Were what? I don't know how to put a label on us. I sigh. "You would never win. They would always call your ranking a result of my favoritism rather than your skill."

She knows I'm right. This, we, have to be kept a secret. For now. She struggles for a moment before speaking.

"You didn't have to insult me to prove something to them." She sounds little. Her voice is quiet.

"And you didn't have to run off to your brother just because I hurt you." I hate those last three words. It should't've happened in the first place. There were nicer, more instructorish kinds of ways to do it. But I hurt her. I rub the back of my neck and look at her nervously. I don't want her to hate me for it. "Besides-It worked, right?"

"At my expense." She's right. It was all aimed at her.

"I didn't think it would affect you in this way." I look down, because I can't look at her anymore. "Sometimes I forget that I can hurt you. That you are capable of being hurt." You're just so strong, Tris. I'm sorry I hurt you. It's hard to think of you upset, broken, falling to pieces. But I hurt you today, and I'm sorry.

She kisses me. I almost laugh because she has to stand on her tiptoes, she's so little.

"You're brilliant, you know that?" That surprises me. I thought she was going to yell at me for forgetting that she's human. "You always know what to do." Not always. Not when it comes to you.

"Only because I've neem thinking about this for a long time." I kiss her. "How I would handle it, if you and I..." It finally registers and a big smile spreads across my face. I've been thinking about Tris and I being together for ages now. But.. "Did I hear you call me your boyfriend, Tris?"

She blushes a very deep red. It's very cute when she's embarrassed. She tries to play it off with a shrug.

"Not exactly.." She smiles shyly. "Why? Do you want me to?" I hear the hopefulness in her voice. I tilt her head back until I can touch my forehead to hers and grin. My heart's racing very fast. And I can't seem to catch my breath. By the look on her face, she can see all my reactions.

"Yes." I relish in the moment before I realize something. "You think we convinced him you're just a silly girl?" Probably not. But I like to hopeful sometimes. I'm not all cynical.

"I hope so." Her eyes are bright. "Sometimes it helps to be small." Yes, because you fit perfectly in my arms. "I'm not sure I convinced the Erudite." They're too smart. No. You probably didn't.

"There's something I need to tell you." I frown. The elation from earlier is fading quickly.

"What is it?"

"Not now. Meet me back here at eleven thirty. Don't tell anyone where you're going." And I leave her, sitting there in shock. I run my hands through my hair.

She's my girlfriend. I'm hers, and she's mine. That's how it's always supposed to be. I love her.

Does she love me?

Maybe not now, but she will. I know she will. I need her. I really do. I want her with me, I need her with me.

I want her...


	13. Seven

Seven.

Seven fears. Because she's Tris and she's strong. The only thing I can't figure out is why they were laughing at her during one of her fears...

Tris runs to me and we go to my room, because it's quiet there. We can have some privacy, room to talk.

"Want some water?" I ask casually. She looks a little worn out, but I know she'll be ranked first; she did amazing.

"No thanks." She says, and she looks defensive. I'm confused. Tris never acts like this, especially around me.

"You okay?" She tenses at my touch. And her face gets warm. I lean in to kiss her and she reacts differently than she usually does. I push the jacket off her small shoulders and she cringes. She pushes me away.

What's going on?

She covers her face. I don't know what to do, but I feel like she doesn't want me to touch her right now.

"What? What's wrong?"

Tris is bright red and I can practically feel the heat radiating from her.

"Don't tell me it's nothing." Ouch. I didn't mean for my voice to sound that cold. I try to sound kinder, more understanding. Even though she's confusing the hell out of me right now. I grab her chin gently. "Hey," I say softly. "Look at me."

She removes her hands from her face, and she looks startled when she looks at me.

"Sometimes, I wonder..." She's fighting to keep her voice calm. "What's in it for you. This... whatever it is."

That hurt. That hurt a lot. I try to hide that.

"What's in it for me." I repeat. It's not a question. Tris is scared of me. My Tris is _scared _of me. "You're an idiot, Tris." And that probably didn't make it any better.

"I am not an idiot." She says, her eyes flaring up. "Which is why I know why I know that it's a little weird that, of all the girls you could have chosen, you chose me. So if you're just looking for... um, you know... that..."

Beneath all the hurt and anger, I can't deny that her embarrassment at this point is rather cute.

But what she just said hurt more than what she said before.

"What? Sex?" I breathe deeply. I hate when I get angry. But I really hate when I get angry at her. Because that's not supposed to happen. I try to calm down. But nothing I do works. Tris is the only one that can calm me down, but she's the one making me mad this time, so it's useless... "You know, if that was all I wanted, you probably wouldn't be the first person I would go to."

I can see now that I hurt her. I really hurt her. Tears fill her eyes and she looks away, holding in her stomach.

"I'm going to leave now." Her voice is strangled. I regret what I said, but that's not what I meant. Tris is so better than that.

"No, Tris." I grab her wrist and pull her back to me. She isn't leaving me that easily. She fights me, pushing me away. But I'm stronger than her. I grab her other wrist and pull her so she has to look at me. She doesn't. I don't blame her. I wouldn't look at me either.

"I'm sorry I said that." and I am. I really am. I've never seen her so upset before. She was angry before, when she hit me. Beyond angry, but that was different. This time, she's actually hurt. I actually hurt her. I can't take back my words. I forget how fragile she is.. "What I meant was that you aren't like that." That you're so, so, so, so much better than that. "Which I knew when I met you."

She's quiet for a moment, and doesn't respond. Her eyes are still fill of tears, and now they're about to fall. "You were an obstacle in my fear landscape." She's afraid of me? What have I done to scare her that much? "Did you know that?"

"What?" I let go of her, take a step back. Her eyes are wide, watery. I know mine mirror the pain in hers. I love her. What could I possibly have done to scare her that much? "You're _afraid_ of me?"

"Not you." She stops and stares at me. "Being with you... with anyone." Oh. So. She's not scared of me, she scared of.. sex. Intimacy. That makes sense. It doesn't hurt so much. But the fact that I was the one representing it still stings. "I've never been involved with someone before, and... you're older, and I didn't know what your expectations were, and..."

I don't want anything but her to be happy. I want her to be mine, but not in that way. I want her heart, and nothing more. That's all.

"Tris," I pull her closer, but I'm not quite holding her like I'd like to be. She needs to understand that's not what I'm after. "I don't know what delusion you're operating under, but this is all new to me, too."

Loving someone, being close to someone, caring for someone...

Her eyes widen. "Delusion? You mean you haven't..." She's surprised. "Oh. _Oh_. I just assumed..." She's piecing the pieces together, and I watch her, waiting. "Um. You know." I thought she would.

"Well, you assumed wrong." I can't look at Tris right now, I'm embarrassed. Why would she think this?

"You can tell me anything you know." I take her face in my hands, looking deep in her eyes. She's not as scared, not as hurt. But the feelings are still there. "I am kinder than I seemed in training. I promise." I know she knows this, she knows this is rare, she believes this. I feel so horrible for what I said to her earlier. Her reaction was the worst I've ever seen.

I kiss her forehead, then her nose, then her lips. Very carefully. I feel her shiver. In a good way, though. A very good way this time. I let go of her face and move to her shoulders.

There's a bandage there.

I pull away, worried.

"Are you hurt?" A slight smile plays on her lips, but there's a guilty look in her eyes.

"No. It's another tattoo. It's healed. I just.. wanted to keep it covered up." She blushes again.

"Can I see?" I have a feeling of what it could be. She looks nervous, scared as she slips her shoulder out of her sleeve. Tris is so skinny...

She shivers when I touch her, but I can tell it's not in a bad way. I touch her shoulder gently, peeling the bandage away.

It's the symbol of Abnegation. I smile.

"I have the same one," I laugh. "On my back."

"Really? Can I see it?" Tris sounds kind of eager. From what I don't know. I put the bandage back carefully and pull her shirt back down. She turns to face me.

"Are you asking me to undress, Tris?" I smirk, trying to hide the amusement in my voice. She laughs nervously, and it reminds me that she's really a girl inside. I smile.

"Only... partially."

I nod, but I stop smiling. This is where she was wrong. I don't like people looking at me. Not because of my tattoos. I wear them proudly. I just.. I don't like people looking at me. I take off my shirt quickly.

Her eyes roam over my chest, I look in her eyes. There's something I've never seen before. I've seen many emotions. But this is new… Is this.. Wanting?

"What is it?" She frowns.

"I don't invite many people to look at people." Only my tattoo artist, because she has to, and you. "Any people, actually."

"I can't imagine why." Tris whispers, almost in awe. "I mean, look at you." She walks around me slowly. She stares at my back for a while, and I'm left to think about what she said earlier. I understand her fear for intimacy, and why she'd be scared. But I don't understand why she'd be scared of me. Have I given her some reason to believe that I want her only for that reason? I mean, yes, the times that we have kissed have been a little heated, but it's not like I've tried anything. I feel horrible for making her feel this way.

"I think we've made a mistake." I say finally. "We've all started to put down the virtues of the other factions in the process of bolstering our own. I don't want to do that. I want to be brave, and selfless, _and _smart, _and _kind. " I stop for a moment. "I continually struggle with kindness." As was demonstrated earlier.

"No one's perfect." She says softly. I know she's right, but that's the most important, isn't it? To be kind? "It doesn't work that way. One bad thing goes away, and another bad thing replaces it." She touches the Abnegation tattoo lightly, tracing it.

"We have to warn them, you know." She says quietly. "Soon."

I like how she says 'we'. Like we're in this together.

"I know, we will." I assure her. I turn to face her and see the look in her eyes. Apprehensive, scared. But there's that look, too. Wanting, longing. I like that, I crave that.

"Is this scaring you, Tris?" I ask softly. She shakes her head, a little too quickly.

"No." Her voice is rough, nervous. "Not really. I'm only… Afraid of what I want."

I freeze. "What you want?" My heart races. "Me?"

She nods. Slowly, nervously. It's cute how she's so nervous, embarrassed. This makes me want her more.

I nod, but I'm more certain about it. She smiles. I take her hands in mine and put them on my stomach. She tenses, but then relaxes as I move her hands over my abs, over my chest, my tattoo, and until I finally hold them against my neck. She finally fully relaxes, but she blushes and her skin is warm. She shivers. I look at her, smiling.

"Someday," I'm nervous. For the first time, I'm actually nervous. "If you still want me.." I pause, gauging her reaction. "We can…" I don't get to finish. She knows what I'm about to say, and she smiles. Tris wraps her arms around me and rests her head against my chest. My heart's racing, and she can hear it. I smile, this is the closest she's ever been to me.

This is the closest I've ever been to anyone..

"Are you afraid of me, Tobias?" She whispers. I rest my head on hers.

"Terrified." I smile. And it's true. Because I know the damage she can do to me. But I also know that she won't do that damage. I see it in her trusting eyes. Because she's too caring and loving and I've carved myself a place in her heart. Tris kisses the hallow under my throat and I shiver. I love it. The effect she can have on me, it's amazing.

"Maybe you won't be in my fear landscape anymore." She whispers.

I kiss her slowly, carefully, passionately.

"Then they can call you Six." I smile.

"Four and Six." She laughs.

I kiss her again, and it feels like home. Like this is where I'm supposed to belong, in her arms, kissing her, being with her, close to her, feeling her heart beat against mine.

This is where I belong. Because I finally deserve happiness. And happiness comes in a beautiful girl by the name of Tris.

"How do I scare you, Tobias?" She asks quietly.

"I know how much damage you can do." I whisper. "Not physically, because that's completely obvious to everyone." I laugh quietly. "No, how much damage you can do to me, personally." I kiss her forehead. "I know that sounds bad, but you don't know how much you mean to me. Everything about you scares me in that aspect. But I know that you won't do that to me. Because you have a good heart, and I can see that I mean just as much to you as you mean to me. And I think that's another reason why you're so scared of me. Because deep down, you know that I could do that damage to you, too."

"You're right." Tris whispers. I smile.

"Really?"

"Really." She's quiet for a minute, just listening to my heartbeat. "I've been watching you for a while, you know." She admits. "Just like you said. You were watching me because you liked me? I was doing the same, except I was more curious. I didn't know how you felt, and I couldn't allow myself to feel like that for my instructor, you know? But… Everything changed. And I couldn't help myself." She sighs. "I never can."

"You really are beautiful, you know." I whisper. She snorts. It's cute.

"That's not true, and you know it."


	14. Simulation

It was a big room, the one that I was in. But I didn't feel like myself. This chair was uncomfortably comfortable. I watched the computer screens In front of me. How did I get here? What am I supposed to be doing now?

_It's all working perfectly, Tobias. _A voice said in the back of my head. That wasn't my voice. It didn't belong to anyone I know. I don't understand what's going on. Only that everything on the computer screens is going according to plan, and if that changes… I have to fix it.

This really doesn't make sense, though. I should know how I got here, right? I don't feel good. Like someone else is controlling me. But I can't stop them, which is weird, because I can always stop them. But that thought is the very back of my mind, not strong enough to really think about. Or do anything about. I lean back in my chair, my eyes darting back and forth between the screens.

My neck hurts.

_It's all going to plan, Tobias. Just relax. _I realize I don't like that voice. It's too calm for me. It sounds like honey, but not in the good way. Too sweet. Falsely sweet. But also very commanding. I don't like this. But my brain squashes that thought and I look at the screens again.

But I still can't shake the feeling that something isn't right.

The door breaks open. When I move, it feels like I'm not moving, like I'm a puppet and there's a puppeteer controlling me. This bothers me.

A girl stands in the doorway with a gun, there's pain etched on her face. Men surround her; they're on her side. She's familiar, but I know I hate her.

"Drop your weapons." I order. She cringes and steps towards me.

"Tobias," Her voice is soft. "You're in a simulation." Is that why I feel so strange? No, I must be a little sick or something.

"Drop your weapons!" I shout. She drops her gun. She looks hurt.

"I did," She says in the same soft voice. If I was her, I would be scared. But she just looks hurt. And she's calm. She runs to me and I feel her small hands wrap around my wrist. They're like a child's.

I pull the trigger and she ducks. She kicks me in the ribs, and twists my wrist to the side, causing me to drop my gun. Girl wants to fight? She puts up a good one, but I'm stronger. I throw her to the side when she tries to grab my gun.

She stares into my eyes for a second, confused, hurt. I punch her in the jaw and she cringes away from me. She protects her face and braces herself. She kicks the gun behind her and kicks me in the stomach.

This little girl can fight.

I catch her foot, and twist her on the ground, she rolls over before I can kick her and she hesitates before she grabs the gun. Bad idea, little girl. I grab her long her and push her to the side, she tries to grab my wrist, but I'm too strong. I smack her head into the wall.

"Tobias." She says, her voice is still soft. Calming, almost pleading. It's kind of familiar. I almost drop her. She kicks me in the leg and her hair slips through my fingers. She grabs the gun and points it at me. Her hands are shaking. They weren't shaking like that when she got here.

Do I mean something to her?

"Tobias," She says, her hands still shaking. "I know you're in there somewhere." She's in pain, but she hides it well. "Tobias, please." She's begging now. "Please. See me."

I know her. I know her, she's.. She's… I walk towards her, and the gun shakes even more.

"Please see me, Tobias, please!" She's yelling now. Her eyes are wide and panicked. She stares into my eyes as she turns the gun in her hands and puts it firmly in mine.

I put the gun to her head. She closes her eyes and she cringes as she hears the bullet click into the chamber.

Four ravens on her chest.

"Tobias," She whispers, and her eyes open. "Please see me." She moves. Her arms wrap around me. I don't know what to do, but I know that this feels right, that this is where I belong. I drop the gun and push her back.

"Tris." How could I have done this to her? How did she not kill me?

I lift her up and hold her as close to me as I can, and I'm shaking. I can't believe what I've done to her. Tris. My Tris. I almost killed her. I put her down and I stare at her in awe, and I can't believe she didn't kill me.

I wouldn't have been to kill her either, if the situation was reversed, but she wouldn't be able to fight me like I just fought her. I trace my fingers over her face and I try not to cry, but a sob escapes me. I almost lost her, and it would've been at my own hands. I kiss her again, I need to feel that she's alive. She pulls me close to her and she starts crying. I hold her, I know I hurt her.

"How did you do it?" She whispers. I smile, because only she could've done this.

"I don't know. I just heard your voice." It was soft, calming.. Up until the end, when I could've killed you..

It's all a rush from there. I can't stop staring at her, I can't keep focusing on the fact that I almost killed her. I can't let that go. And what scares me even more is that she may never let it go. She may have for the time being, but.. What about when we're done with this mess, and it's just me and her. What will she do? Will she resent me, hate me, for what I've done to her? What will she do?

"My parents," Tris whispers, "They died today." She says numbly. We're already pretty close, but I pull her closer. My heart breaks from the pain in her voice. "They died for _me_." She adds. It's even more painful, because I know she feels like she betrayed them by leaving them.

"They loved you." I say. "To them, there was no better way to show you." She looks down.

"You nearly died today." I whisper, my heart stopping. I know it was my fault. Her parents would've died for nothing… "I almost shot you. Why didn't you shoot me, Tris?" She put the gun in my hands. I know what she was thinking. It would be better for her to die, rather for her to kill me, which she would never be able to do.

But once I saw what she did, or what I did, I would have put the gun to my head. _You die, I die, too. _

"I couldn't do that." She whispers. "It would've been like shooting myself." I didn't expect that. It kills me.

"I have something to tell you." I say against her lips. Tris plays with my hands as she looks at me. My heart is racing. "I think I might be in love with you." _Think_. Ha! I _know_.

"That's sensible of you." She smiles widely. "We should find some paper so you can make a list or a chart or something." That's my girl coming back to me. I laugh and pull her closer. I speak in her ear.

"Maybe I'm already sure." I whisper. "and I just don't want to frighten you."

Tris laughs. "Then you should know better." Her eyes are alive with light.

"Fine." I smile. "Then I love you." It feels so good to finally say it to her. She doesn't say it back, and I'm okay with that. Maybe not yet, but maybe someday soon, she will. But for the time being, I will settle for her kiss.


	15. Amity

She's injured and clumsy. The blood on her shoulder is dripping down her back and I know it's killing her, but she's working through the pain. I don't touch her, I can't, not right now, but I'm keeping her steady, just as she's keeping me stable. I hear Caleb crying. I don't say anything; just follow Tris as she fights through the physical and emotional pain. This is her way of dealing with things; taking the lead. Lights are peaking out through the trees, and I hear her sigh in relief.

Amity headquarters.

I stiffen as Marcus walks past me, pushing Tris back. "I have to go." Tris tenses up. He leads us through a maze, but I don't pay attention, I'm watching Tris. How she's gritting her teeth, how she's trying not to look at me, because she knows if she does, she'll start crying like her brother. A door opens and we follow Marcus through, a rush of warm air enveloping us. Finally, I look away from Tris and I see a very beautiful woman standing in front of us. Or, well, she would have been if hadn't been for that scar on her face. She looks at us with calm eyes. I never understand how the Amity can be so calm and kind all the goddamn time. It's unnatural.

"Oh, thank God." She has a very kind, soft voice as she touches my father's shoulders; Abnegation don't like casual physical contact. I don't understand why she would do this. "The other members of your party got here a few hours ago, but they weren't sure if you had made it." She's talking about the Abnegation. Not the Dauntless. No one can trust the Dauntless now. She looked at us. "Oh my." The amount of blood on Tris and Peter is rather alarming.. I don't know how I look. "I'll send for a doctor. I can grant you all permission to stay the night, but tomorrow, our community must decide together. And—" She looks at Tris and I, distrust in her eyes. Of course. "They will likely not be enthusiastic about a Dauntless presence in our compound. I of course ask that you turn over any weapons that you might have."

I take out my gun and hand it to her, and Tris reaches to pull hers out, I grab her hand and bring it to my side, lacing my fingers through hers. We need at least one gun, and she's the least likely to have one. The woman doesn't seem to notice. If she was Candor, however, this would be a _completely _different story.

"My name is Johanna Reyes." She shakes our hands; that's how we greet each other in Dauntless.

"This is T—" Marcus begins, but I cut him off. That name is solely for Tris.

"My name is Four." I say firmly. Johanna looks at Marcus and I curiously. "This is Tris, Caleb, and Peter."

I don't like this, being here with Marcus. It scares me. He still looks at me the way he did when I was growing up.

"Welcome to the Amity compound." Johanna says softly. I like her voice. It's calming, just what I need after the rough night we just had. Tris's is too forced tonight, too strangled and tight. I don't blame her, she just lost her parents… Watched both of them die. Johanna's voice calms me a little, and Tris's hand in mine calms me even more. Her presence allows me to breathe again.

I can't believe I almost killed her.

"Let us take care of you." Johanna says softly, smiling at Tris, who tries her best to smile back. I squeeze her hand. Everything will be okay. Not today, not tomorrow, but soon.. Soon..


	16. Beatrice

I can't sleep. I can hear the wind rustling through the leaves, even a little bit of rain starting to fall. It doesn't last long, but I like the smell. I toss and turn all night. I'm not used to this sound; the sound of nature. It's unnatural to me. I can't sleep, I can't sleep, I can't sleep. Finally the sun rises and I open the door to my room and wander the halls till I find the room where Tris was staying. I listen at the door for any sign of life, and I hear tiny footsteps.. I knock on the door and find her sitting on the edge of her bed with her hands in her very messy hair. Her feet barely touch the floor and her cheeks are flushed. She stares at me, taking in my new appearance. I've changed from my usual black in favor of a dark Amity red shirt. I don't like it very much, it doesn't fit me, and Tris is having a hard time to digest it. I don't do colors.

"The Amity are meeting in a half hour." I say quietly. Then to add a bit of drama, I smirk and raise my eyebrow, _"To decide our fate." _ She smiles a little and looks at me.

"Never thought my fate would be in the hands of a bunch of Amity." Oh the irony. I laugh.

"Me either." I pull a bottle out of my pocket. "Oh, I brought you something." I unscrew it and hold out a dropper with clear liquid. She looks at it apprehensively. "Pain medicine." I assure her and I see relief spread through her tired eyes. "Take a dropperful every six hours."

"Thanks." Tris takes the dropper and squeezes the liquid out and grimaces.

"How are you, Beatrice?" I ask, leaning against the doorframe and studying her. She looks so frail right now. I have never seen my Tris in this condition before. I've seen her angry, hurt, stressed, beaten.. But this is different. She's broken. I hate using that word to describe her, but that's what she is right now. She's putting the pieces back together, but it's not working. She's going to have to really truly break before she can even get close to getting better. It's going to have to happen. Sooner rather than later. I've never called her that before. It sounds rather strange, but still pretty. Not as edgy as Tris, which, I'm sure is what she was going for when she gave that name on the first day.

"Did you just call me _Beatrice_?" Tris says in disbelief, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

"Thought I'd give it a try." I smile. That was a funny reaction. "Not good?"

"Maybe on special occasions only." She smiles. "Initiation days, Choosing Days…" She trails off. Will those really exist anymore? Eventually she just stops trying to talk and the thoughtful look is replaced with a sad one.

"It's a deal." I let my smile fall. "How are you, Tris?" I ask. I don't expect her to answer. I can't say I know what she's feeling, because no one ever really knows what anyone's feeling. And I hate when people say that to me. It's the most annoying fucking thing in the world. She looks conflicted, hurt.

"I'm…" Tris shakes her head a few times, as if to clear it. "I don't know, Four." Oh, I hate that.. But I don't blame her, for not knowing. A mix of everything bad. I wish I could take away all the pain, but I can't. "I'm awake… I.." She's still shaking her head. I step closer to her and let my hand slide across her cheek, my fingers siding under her chin. I pull her up to face me and I kiss her. She melts into me, and I forget everything that's going on around us, and allow myself to get wrapped up in her. Because that's what I need. I need to get wrapped up, lost in my Tris. Because she's the only thing that can make me feel better. And this is really helping. Finally, we have to breathe.

"I know." I say, seeing the look in her eyes. She's conflicted, hurt, in pain, drowning… I see the traces of guilt and regret. "Sorry. I shouldn't have asked." Because I already know the answer. You're not okay, Tris. And you won't be for a long time. I just don't know if there's time to heal. She stares at me, thinking. I feel so horrible for her. I try not to let it show, because I know she would hate me for it. She frowns. I let go of her and feel the warmth leave me. "I'll let you get ready."


	17. Meeting

Tris looks different when I see her next, and it's not just the fact that just cut all of her hair off. The sparkle that used to be in her eyes is gone. That makes me sad. Caleb stares at her blankly.

"You cut your hair." No shit. I like it; it's a nice change. I know that's what she's going for. Everything else in her life has changed, why not changer herself?

"Yeah." She says, blushing. "It's… too hot for long hair."

"Fair enough." He grew up with her and he can't tell she's lying? The floorboards creak beneath our feet and it makes me miss home. We're silent as we walk, and I lace my fingers between Tris's and she relaxes.

"Does everyone know you're Marcus's son?" Caleb finally asks. I wince. "The Abnegation, I mean." He would ask that question, and to be honest, I hate him for it right now. It's bad enough that I have to be around him again, but to be reminded of it…

"Not to my knowledge." I say tightly. "And I would appreciate it if you didn't mention it."

"I don't need to mention it." He says. I know what he means. I look a lot like my father, and that's exactly why I have altered myself in such ways to get rid of him. "Anyone with eyes can see it for themselves." Thanks, asshole. Tris squeezes my hand in support. "How old are you anyway?" Big brother talk…

"Eighteen." I swear to God if he says I'm too old for Tris.. Seriously. Two fucking years is not too goddamn old. I've seen worse.

"And you don't think you're too old to be with _my _little sister?" Caleb says. I don't like the way his voice sounds. It makes me want to punch him. I sigh heavily and resist the urge.

"She isn't _your little _anything." I say through gritted teeth. Tris squeezes my hand again, this time as a warning.

"Stop it. Both of you." She sounds annoyed. Caleb doesn't say anything, but I wish I could. But everything I want to say, I can't say in front of her brother. We walk into a greenhouse, a beautiful one with flowers and a very large tree in the center of it. Everyone's gathered around, and Johanna is at the center of it. There is no official leader of Amity, but if there were to be one, it would be Johanna. The Amity sit in little groups of scattered around, and the Abnegation sit in tightly knit rows. I look at Tris, who is searching the rows. Then she gulps hard, fighting back tears.

She was looking for her parents.

I let go of her hand and lightly touch the small of her back, pushing her gently to a spot on the outskirts of the groups of the Amity and the rows of the Abnegation, so we can see what's going on. I sit behind her and she leans into me, I wrap my arms around her, and whisper into her ear.

"I like your hair that way." She smiles, and it makes me smile. Johanna calls for silence, in a silent way.

"We have before us today an urgent question." All the other factions talk so… formally. We talked so… crudely. No real organization to it. "Which is: How will we conduct ourselves as people who pursue peace?"

Oh, right. They've always been really close to the Erudite. The Amity start talking to each other quietly.

"How do they get anything done?" Tris whispers after a couple minutes.

"They don't care about efficiency." I whisper back. "They care about agreement. Watch." We watch for a while. We watch people separate from the groups and join others, talking quietly with them for a while before going back to their own.

"This is bizarre." Tris says. Her eyes are wide as she watches the scene in front of her in awe. This _never_ would've happened in Dauntless, and never would've happened in Abnegation.

"I think it's beautiful." I say softly. She looks at me and I laugh softly. "They each have an equal role in government; they each feel equally responsible. And it makes them care; it makes them kind. I think that's beautiful." It's wonderful, beautiful, lovely. This is why Amity is the most peaceful; because everyone is really truly equal. It's amazing.

"I think it's unsustainable." Tris says. "Sure, it works for the Amity. But what happens when not everyone wants to strum banjos and grow crops? Hat happens when someone does something terrible and talking about it can't solve the problem?" She has been rather cynical lately. I shrug and hold her tighter.

"I guess we'll find out." I say quietly. She doesn't speak, just watches as one person from the main groups of people stand up and approach Johanna. They stand in a circle and talk quietly, so no one can hear them talk. Tris tenses a little in my arms.

"They're not going to let us argue with them, are they?" She says. They're the Amity. They don't argue. They're peaceful. This is the one time I wish I could argue.

"I doubt it." I sigh. She tenses even more. Everyone sits down and Johanna speaks. Tris holds her breath.

"Our faction has had a close relationship with Erudite for as long as any of us can remember. We need each other to survive, and we have always cooperated with each other." Of course. So, the Abnegation are allowed to stay, but we, the Dauntless, have to go. Where will we go? "But we have also had a strong relationship with Abnegation in the past; and we do not think it is right to revoke the hand of friendship when it has been extended." And the Dauntless? "We feel the only way to preserve our relationships with both factions is to remain impartial and uninvolved. Your presence here, though welcome, complicates that." Of course it would. The Erudite are the ones fucking controlling the Dauntless. And _we're _to fucking blame? _We're _the ones that complicate this? "We have arrived at the conclusion that we will establish our faction headquarters as a safe house for members of all factions." Tris sighs with relief. "Under a set of conditions. The first is that no weaponry of any kind is allowed on the compound." Oops, already broke that one. We're fucked. "The second is that if any serious conflict arises, whether verbal or physical, all parties will be asked to leave." Tris has a hard time keeping her temper. "The third is that the conflict may be discussed, even privately, within the confines of the compound." That's where the false vulnerability comes into play. I don't know if that'll still work, though… "And the fourth is that everyone who stays must contribute to the welfare of this environment by working." That seems fair. "We will report this to Erudite, Candor, and Dauntless as soon as we can." She finishes in her kind voice. Erudite? She's going to report there? They're the ones who started this fucking mess.

Johanna's eyes find Tris and I and stay there. "You are welcome to stay here if and only if you can abide by our rules." I know she's only talking to us, because she knows we'd be the ones to have the most trouble with them. "That is our decision." And she looks away. Tris tenses in my arms again before looking at me.

"We won't be able to stay long." She says quietly. I look into her wide worried eyes.

"No, we won't." I say.


	18. Conversations

Tris was going for a walk, so I thought I might try to catch up on some sleep in my room for a while since I can't seem to sleep at night with the sounds of nature. I can sleep with the sound of people. Just as I climb into bed, I hear a knock on my door. Well. That was a quick walk, Tris.

But when I open the door, it isn't Tris. It's Caleb. He looks different though. Not so put together. His eyes are sparkling instead of bloodshot and his hair is messy and his shirt is buttoned in the wrong places. It's nice to see that he's actually like Tris after all, not just another Erudite. I quickly grab a shirt and step back.

"Um, hi." He says, walking in. "You have a lot of tattoos."

"Yeah." I say, closing the door. "The Dauntless tend to do that." I smirk. "What do you want?"

"To talk about my little sister, Beatrice. Or Tris. Or whatever you call her." He sits on the chair.

"Oh, God." I sigh. "Is this the famous 'big brother talk'?" I roll my eyes and he glares at the air quotes. I forget that neither the Abnegation or the Erudite have a sense of humor. "Go on, humor me." I wave my hand in his direction and he glares at me again.

"You're eighteen." Caleb begins. "She's sixteen—"

"Oh yes, because two years is _such_ a big age difference." I lean back on my bed and stare at him. "You know I really do love her, right? There's nothing in this for me, if that's what you're thinking. Because Tris and I had this talk a couple days ago. She thought that's what I wanted. It's not. I love her and that's all there is to it. She means the world to me, and.. I won't let anything happen to her." I sigh. "I still regret what happened when I was under simulation, and I can't believe she didn't kill me. I mean, I wouldn't have killed her, either. But she wouldn't have been able to put up a fight like I did. She can fight, believe me, Tris can fight. But she can't fight me like that. If she can pull me out of a simulation like that, Caleb, that's gotta tell you something."

He stares at me for a moment. "Okay." He says slowly. "_Okay_. How'd you meet?"

I laugh. "Well.. I was her trainer, you know, for the initiates. And Tris had something to prove. She was the only Stiff and the smallest one there, so everyone teased her. First night off, she gets a tattoo with her friends. Then she can't stop. Tattoos are rather addicting. That's why I'm covered. But I couldn't stop watching her. She's beautiful, and it's amazing how she looks when she fights. She's timid at first, that's how she got beaten to a pulp by Peter. But after that, she knew better. She beat a girl half her size till she was laying in the fetal position on the floor. I had to pull Tris off the girl. It's fascinating, though, when I did her fear simulations. It doesn't shut her down like it does with other people. It wakes her up. It's really quite beautiful. But the first time I really _truly _met her, was the day I threw knives at her head."

"You what?!"

"Yeah." I smile at the look on Caleb's face. "I threw knives at Tris's head."

"Why?"

"Because it was the day they were learning how to throw knives, which is really completely pointless, because it really is useless. It's really just something to impress people with. But one of the initiates, Al, kept missing the target. Eric, one of the other trainers, the leader of Dauntless, noticed this and made him go get one of the knives. Al refused because Eric told the others to keep throwing knives while he went to get it. So. Eric told him to go stand in front of a target and made me throw knives at him. But Tris stood up for him. She called Eric a bully and stood in front of the target herself. I was careful. She yelled at me, because she's really quite testy, and I nipped the tip of her ear. Which, she really should've thanked me for, because if I didn't, Eric would've done something to both her and me. He already suspected that I had a thing for her." I smiled. "Which I did."

"You seriously threw knives at my sister's head?" Caleb laughed a little. "Can I see?"

"I am _not_ throwing knives at Tris's head again." I say firmly. Caleb shook his head.

"No no no no, not at Beatrice. I don't wanna see that." He shakes his head again. "No, I just wanna see you throw knives. I wanna see if you're really as good as you say you are."

"Oh, I am." I pull out a butter knife and some cheese from the drawer on the desk that I was saving for late tonight. I put the cheese on the dresser and go back and sit on the floor. "Watch this." And I threw the knife. It spun in the air and stuck to the cheese. Caleb takes the knife and stands next to me. He tries and it falls and hits the floor. I laugh.

"No, not like _that_." I can't stop laughing. Not even the initiates did that bad.

"What do you mean 'not like that'? I imitated you perfectly." He says, going to grab the knife.

"You did not." I laugh.

"Well, do it again, then." He hands me the knife and I stare at the wall. He's standing above me, and I don't like that. But I do like the look on his face.

The door opens just as I throw the knife. It lands in the exact same spot where it did before. It's Tris. Caleb looks at the knife, then at Tris with his mouth wide open.

"Tell me he's some kind of Dauntless prodigy." He says with wide eyes. "Can you do this too?"

Tris smiles. "With my right hand, maybe." Oh, right, her left shoulder.. "But yes, _Four_ is some kind of Dauntless prodigy." This is the only time I like her saying my nickname. Because I do wear it with pride; it is something rare, even in Dauntless, to have only four fears. I catch her eyes and see a familiar spark in them. "Can I ask _why_ you're throwing knives at cheese?"

"Caleb came to discuss something." I smirk, leaning against the wall. "And knife-throwing just came up somehow." Tris laughs.

"As it so often does." She stares at me, that look in her eyes growing stronger. I can't quite place it, but a small smile is growing across her face.

Caleb clears his throat. I forgot he was still here. "Anyway, I should probably get back to my room." His voice is distant. I can't take my eyes off of Tris. "I'm reading this book about the water-filtration systems. The kid who gave it to me looked at me like I was crazy for wanting to read it. I think it's supposed to be a repair manual, but it's fascinating." At least there are some Erudite left that are just starving for knowledge. "Sorry. You probably think I'm crazy too."

"Not at all." I say sarcastically. "Maybe _you _should read that repair manual too, Tris. It sounds like something you might like." She glares at me, but that sparkle in her eye is still there and I can't quite place it…

"I can loan it to you." Caleb says. Poor kid can't pick up on sarcasm.

"Maybe later." Tris says. Caleb leaves and Tris continues to glare at me. I laugh. "Thanks for that." She says. "Now he's going to talk my ear off about water filtration and how it works. Though I guess I might prefer that to what he wants to talk to me about." She sighs and rolls her eyes, sitting down in front of me.

"Oh?" I raise my eyebrows and that spark in her eyes grows brighter. "And what's that? Aquaponics?"

"Aqua-what?" Tris giggles. I miss my girl.

"It's one of the ways they grow food here. You don't want to know." I say. He told me about it last night when we were alone. Kid knows how to talk.

"You're right, I don't." She smiles. "What did he come to talk to you about?"

"You." I smile and Tris cringes. "I think it was the big-brother talk. 'Don't mess around my sister' and all that." I move closer to her and wrap my arms around her. She melts into me and I realize how much I missed this.

"What did you tell him?" She asks.

"I told him how we got together—that's how knife throwing came up. " I smile. "And I told him I wasn't messing around."

She's close enough to the wall that I carefully push her against it and I kiss her. She lifts up the hem of my shirt and rubs her cold hands over the small of my back. It feels good. Our kisses become more desperate, more needy, and I pull her closer to me, until there's no room left.

I pull back after a couple minutes, but only far enough back that our noses are touching.

"This isn't what you came here for." I whisper.

"No." She admits breathlessly.

"What did you come for, then?" I ask.

"Who cares?" And she kisses me again. I don't resist but it's a short kiss. I love this, but the look on her face when she came in suggested it was something important.

"Tris…" I murmur against her cheek. She sighs heavily.

"Okay, okay." We sit on my bed with her head in my lap and I play with her hair as she talks.

"So, don't get mad at me, but I followed Johanna and Marcus outside after the meeting." She starts looking at me. I shake my head.

"It's okay, why?"

"Because I was curious. Johanna thinks that Jeanine, you know the leader of Erudite, finally finished planning the attack. But there could've been an incident or something, and Marcus said that Jeanine attacked the Abnegation to steal some information that they had been entrusted with. He said it was very important and that the leaders of this city sacrificed their lives to protect it." She was quiet for a moment, gauging my reaction. But I find this hard to believe. That Marcus knows something this important.

"Well, what do you think?" Tris finally asks. I run my fingers through her short hair.

"I think," I say slowly and carefully, "that it's Marcus trying to feel important than he is." Like he always does. Which is exactly what my childhood was. Her eyes widen. That wasn't the response she was expecting. Or was expecting.

"So… What? You think he's just talking nonsense?"

"I think there probably is some information the Abnegation knew that Jeanine wanted to know, but I think he's exaggerating its importance. Trying to build up his own ego by making Johanna think he's something she wants and he won't give it to her." I say quietly. She looks at me with wide eyes.

"I don't… " She frowns and plays with her hands. "I don't think you're right. He didn't sound like he was lying." He didn't to me for a long time either, but that's all he did.

"You don't know him like I do. He is an excellent liar." I don't like talking about him. About this. It makes my chest hurt.

"Maybe you're right." She says softly. "But shouldn't we find out what's going on? Just to be sure?" She gets this curiosity from her brother. Erudite traits? I run my fingers through her hair again and she closes her eyes. I shake my head.

"I think it's more important that we deal with the situation at hand." I say. She opens her eyes. "Go back to the city. Find out what's going on there. Find a way to take the Erudite down. Then maybe we can find out what Marcus was talking about, after all this is resolved. Okay?" She nods slowly, but her eyes are thoughtful and distant. That spark was gone, the one that was there when I first saw her.


	19. Nightmares

It was the first night I actually fall asleep at night, and just as I start to dream of home, of Dauntless cake and… really being alive, I hear the door open. Tris stands there with very wide, scared eyes. I move back on the bed so there's space for her.

"C'mere." I murmur. She's wearing only a shirt that's too big for her, and it goes just past her waist. She has long legs… She blushes as she climbs into bed with me an I wrap my arms around her.

"Bad dream?" I whisper. She nods. "What happened?" She shakes her head. I don't push for her to tell me, but her eyes are scared and conflicted and she looks like she doesn't know what to do anymore. It breaks my heart. I rub my thumb over her cheekbone and realize how much I miss my happy Tris. But I can't have her back for a while, and though that kills me, I'm okay with that. "We're all right, you know." I whisper. "You and me. Okay?" She nods and curls into a ball and I move closer to her. "Nothing is all right." I smooth her legs out and pull her even closer. "But we are."

"Tobias," Tris starts, but she stops and presses her lips to mine. I kiss her back, because this is what we both need. She's warm. I move my hand from her cheek to her waist, allow it to curve over her hip, and slide it down her bare leg. She's warm and soft when she shivers and wraps her leg around me. I smile into the kiss. I can't think. My hand slips under her shirt and she sighs. I put my hand on her lower back and pull her even closer. I trace her spine and she shivers again as the cool air touches her skin. I'm loving these reactions.. I kiss her neck and she clenches my shirt into her fist and I can feel her heart racing. Her shirt is twisted around my arm when it reaches her neck and I pull her closer to me. She's shaking and I smile through the kisses. Everything is so desperate and fast. Suddenly she pushes me back a little and pulls her shirt down. We sit there in silence, breathing heavily. Her eyes are sparkling and she blinks quickly.

"Sorry." She whispers. I shake my head and put my hands on her cheeks.

"Don't apologize." I say firmly. More tears fall from her eyes and I brush them away. They keep falling and she moves closer to me. I hold her as tightly as I can.

"I don't mean to be such a mess." Her voice cracks. "I just feel so…" And a sob escapes. I hold her tighter.

"It's wrong." I say. "It doesn't matter if your parents are in a better place—they aren't here with you, and that's _wrong,_ Tris." The tears are falling steadily and she grips my shirt tightly. "It shouldn't have happened. It shouldn't have happened to you. And anyone who tells you it's okay is a liar." That's when she starts sobbing and I pull her so close to me I can feel the tears staining my shirt, and her heart beating. Seeing my Tris break down like this kills me, it breaks my heart and I want to take away all of her pain, but I can't. This shouldn't have happened to her. She screams and grips my shirt and I hold her tighter, whispering comforting words until there were no more tears to cry.

"Sleep." I say softly. "I'll fight off the bad dreams if they come to get you." I promise.

"With what?" It's almost as though she's losing her voice from all the crying. This breaks my heart even more.

"My bare hands, obviously."

She wraps her arm around my waist and rests her head on my chest. She closes her eyes and her cheeks are red and blotchy and her eyes are kind of puffy. But she looks rather peaceful as she tries to sleep. She needs this. I kiss her forehead and run my fingers through her hair.

"I love you, Tris." I whisper. She smiles in her sleep, and I know it reached her in her dreams. I hold her in my arms and watch her sleep until I can finally fall asleep, but every movement she makes worries me. I don't want her to be scared in her sleep. That's the only place you're supposed to be safe. She doesn't move from my arms. When the sun lights up the room, I carefully get up and cover her with the blankets. She smiles and curls into the warm spot I left. I stare at her for a moment before I go to the bathroom.

I'm in the process of shaving when she wakes up. I see her in the mirror as she sits up on the bed and hugs her knees. "Good morning." I smile. "How'd you sleep?"

"Okay." She says and steps down from the bed. She walks to me and wraps her arms around my waist and leans her head against my back. I turn the razor off and put it down, and put my hands over her small ones. We don't talk, but I can feel her heart and it makes me smile. Last night was rough, but she needed it, and it was worth it. Finally, Tris speaks.

"I should go get ready." She whispers.


	20. Peace

I knew we wouldn't last long. I knew it. I love her more than life itself, but Tris is too temperamental. I'll give it to her this time, Peter _did _deserve it, but regardless, she knew the rules. I was just walking through the halls when I heard yelling coming from her room. I didn't think, like usual when it comes to her, and ran to her. She was squirming in the arms of an Amity guard, screaming and kicking, trying to break free. The Abnegation were surrounding, looking astounded that someone could ever be this angry. Or selfish, in their eyes.

"Tris, calm down!" I yelled. The look of me seemed to calm her down a little bit, but not very much. She just yelled back at me.

"He has the hard drive!" She yelled. And my heart stopped. "He stole it from me! He has it!" And that's when I see Peter laying on the ground, curled up in a ball. She never ceases to amaze me. I walk over to Peter and crush my foot into his ribcage and the Abnegation woman beside him protests but I ignore her and Peter's cry of pain and take the hard drive from his pocket. I whisper in his ear so no one else can hear. "We won't be in a safe house forever, and this wasn't very smart of you." The proud feeling I had for Tris disappeared as I looked at her, still struggling in the Amity guard's arms. We're probably going to get kicked out for this. "Not very smart of you, either. Do you want us to get kicked out?" My voice was a little harsher than I intended it to be, but she stops struggling. The guard starts dragging her out of the room and down the hall.

"What do you think you're doing?" Tris yells at the guard. "Let go of me!"

"You violated the terms of our peace agreement." He says calmly and kindly. "We must follow protocol." How the hell is he so calm after this? After how Tris treated him? She gives me a look as he drags her away, as if she's asking me to save her. I've never seen that look before and it chills me, but I shake my head.

"Just go." I say in that same harsh voice. "You need to cool down." I don't know why I sound so angry, because I'm really not that mad.. I turn around in the other direction, towards the orchard and find a tree to sit under. I look at my hands and pull some of the grass up and watch as it blows away in the wind. I feel bad for treating Tris that way; maybe I should have helped her. I really am the only one that calm her down… What if they drug her or something? I honestly don't know that much about the Amity. What could they be doing to my Tris? I stand up and start pacing. I hear soft footsteps, like the walker is barefoot.

"Four!" Oh, God. They did drug her. She sounds drunk. "Four! Where are you?" She giggles and looks at the tree with wide eyes, like she's expecting it to talk back to her, but I step under a branch.

"Tris?" I say, concerned. She giggles and runs to me. She even _looks _drunk. She can't walk properly. She starts swaying and I catch her and she pulls herself closer to me, pressing her body against me. I can't pretend that I don't like this, but it's like.. I hate comparing Tris to this, but she's almost acting like a girl at a party who's had a just a _'little' _too much to drink and she wants to … um, let's say, get to know me a little better.

"What did they—" She cuts me off with a kiss. It's kind of sloppy, but happy at the same time. I kiss her quickly before pulling back. She looks disappointed.

"That was lame." She sighs. "Okay, no it wasn't, but…" And she stands on her toes to kiss me again but I stop her by putting my fingers on my lips. She glares at me.

"Tris," I'm genuinely concerned now. She's never acted like this before. She's really acting like a drunk girl at a party. "What did they do to you? You're acting like a lunatic."

"That's not very nice of you to say." Tris says. "They put me in a good mood, that's all. And now I really want to kiss you, so if you could just _relax_—" and she tries to kiss me again but look away.

"I'm not going to kiss you." I honestly never thought I would say that to Tris. "I'm going to figure out what's going on." She pouts. I wish I could get her in these moods without acting drunk… Or drugging her. Maybe someday.

"_That's _why you like me!" She exclaims. "Because you're not very nice either!" I fight the urge to laugh. "It makes so much more sense now." I am _so _gonna make fun of her for this later…

"Come on." I say firmly, grabbing her hand. "We're going to see Johanna."

"I like you, too." She giggles. Yup. I'm never letting her live this down.

"That's encouraging." I say, dragging her along. "Come on. Oh for God's sake. I'll just carry you." And I lift her up in my arms. She's too curious right now, and she can't keep focused on one thing so she keeps drifting off. She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses my cheek. I allow myself a small smile and she starts kicking her feet up and down. We walk down the halls with her humming and kicking her legs and playing with my hair. Finally I find Johanna's office and nearly kick down the door.

"You really shouldn't cover up your scar." Tris says in that strangely nice voice that isn't her own. "You look prettier with your hair out of your face." I sit Tris down in a chair, and she laughs when her feet hit the floor. She looks at us, expecting us to laugh, but when we don't, she looks confused and a little let down.

"What did you do to her?" I almost shout. Then it occurs to me. Could this be permanent? Would I have to deal with this Tris for the rest of my life? I would, I wouldn't leave her for something that wasn't her fault, but regardless… It would take _a lot _of getting used to. "What in God's name did you do?" Johanna's eyes widen as she stares at Tris.

"I…" She frowns. "They must of given her too much. She's very small; they probably didn't take her height and weight into account." She trails off.

"They must have given her too much of _what_?" And that's when I start yelling.

"You have a nice voice." Tris says. I take a deep breath.

"Tris," I say, trying not to yell at her. "Please be quiet."

"The peace serum." Johanna says, still looking at Tris. "In small doses, it has a mild, calming effect and improves the mood. The only side effect is slight dizziness. We administer it to members of our community who have trouble keeping the peace." She says calmly.

"I'm not an idiot." I say, trying to calm down, but my efforts only make it worse. "_Every _member of your community has trouble keeping the peace, because they're all human. You probably dump it into the water supply." Oh god, if that actually happened, Tris would be like this _all _the fucking time. I don't know how I would handle that. I like my Tris the way she is. Johanna is quiet for a few minutes.

"Clearly you know that is not the case, or this conflict would not have occurred." She says quietly. I look over at Tris. She's playing with her hands and kicking her feet back and forth, vaguely smiling. "But whatever we agree to do here, we do together, as a faction. If I could give the serum to everyone in the city, I would. You would certainly not be in the situation you are in now if I had."

"Oh, definitely." I say, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "Drugging the entire population is the best solution to our problem. Great plan."

"Sarcasm is not kind, Four." Johanna says quietly. "Now, I am sorry about the mistake in giving too much to Tris, I really am. But she violated the terms of our agreement, and I'm afraid that you might not be able to stay here much longer as a result." I knew we wouldn't be able to stay very long. It was bound to happen eventually. "The conflict between her and the boy—Peter—is not something we can forget."

"Don't worry." I snap. "We intend to leave as soon as humanly possible."

"Good." She smiles. "Peace between Amity and Dauntless can only happen when we maintain distance from each other." She says softly. I curl my hands into fists.

"That explains a lot." We're complete opposites.

"Excuse me?" I've hit a nerve. "What are you insinuating?"

"It explains," I say through gritted teeth, "why, under a pretense of _neutrality_—as if such as thing is possible!—you have left us to die at the hands of the Erudite." I yell. Tris stops her humming and Johanna looks out the window.

"The Amity wouldn't do something like that." Tris says. "That's _mean_." I really wish such a thing as innocence occurred anymore. But it doesn't and Tris will only feel it for a couple more hours.

"It is for the sake of peace that we remain uninvolved—"

"Peace." I spit the word. It doesn't exist anymore. "Yes, I'm sure we it will be very peaceful when we are all either dead or cowering in submission under the threat of mind control or stuck in an endless submission."

Johanna grimaces and Tris mimics her. She shakes her head and starts kicking her feet again.

"The decision was not mine to make. If it was, perhaps we would be having a different conversation right now." Johanna says slowly.

"Are you saying you disagree with them?" I ask.

"I am saying that it isn't my place to disagree with my faction publicly, but I might, in the privacy of my own heart."

"Tris and I will be gone in two days." I snap. "I hope your faction doesn't change their decision to make this compound a safe house."

"Our decisions are not easily unmade." She says softly. "What about Peter?"

"You'll have to deal with him separately." I can't even look at him without remembering what he did to Tris. "Because he won't be coming with us." I take Tris's hand and she rubs the skin on my hand, smiling and humming again. She turns to smile at Johanna, but she doesn't return it. At the very least, she could've given her a small one. After all, she's the one that put my poor Tris in this situation.

"Four," She calls out behind us. "If you and your friends would like to remain… untouched by our serum, you may want to avoid the bread." So. That's how everyone is so kind and calm all the time. Damn.

I take Tris back to her room and lock her in there until the serum wears off. She really is a danger to others right now. I check on her every hour, and with every hour, it seems to be wearing off a little. By the fifth hour, it's completely worn off. I find her scowling at the wall.

"Thank God." I say, smiling. "I was beginning to think it would never wear off and I would have to leave you here to… smell flowers, or whatever you wanted to do while you were on that stuff." I laugh.

"I'll kill them." She growls. That's my girl. I smile. "I will _kill _them."

"Don't bother." I say, closing the door behind me and walking towards her. "We're leaving soon anyway." I take the hard drive from my back pocket and slide it behind her dresser. "I thought we could hide this behind your dresser."

"That's where it was before." She says blankly.

"Yeah," I say, smiling. "and that's why Peter won't look for it here again."

"Why couldn't I fight the peace serum?" Tris asks, looking at me curiously. "If my brain is weird enough to resist the simulation serum, why not this?" I think she's actually embarrassed by this one, more than anything else.

"I don't know, really." I say softly, sitting next to her on the bed. "Maybe in order to fight off a serum, you have to _want _to."

"Well, obviously I _wanted _to." She says, frustrated. It's kind of funny how she's trying to fight this off.

"Sometimes," I pull her closer to me. "people just want to be happy, even if it's not real." She's quiet for a long time. She doesn't look at me, but she plays with her hands in her lap, the way she does when she's nervous.

"Maybe you're right." She says quietly. I look at her, surprised, dropping my jaw to add effect.

"Are you _conceding_?" I laugh. "Maybe that serum did you some good after all…"

She pushes me back as hard as she can, which is pretty hard. "Take that back. Take it back _now_." She yells.

"Okay! Okay!' I put my hands up, surrendering. "It's just…" I smile and try not to laugh. "I'm not very nice either, you know. That's why I like you so—"

"Out!" Tris yells, pointing at the door. I kiss her cheek and leave laughing.


End file.
